Vulnerable kitten in Bangkok
If you’ve been following my story these past months, the title of this week’s blog might have you worried. Today marks eleven months since the first day of my journey into sobriety (May 13th 2019) and it has been a little bit of a roller-coaster ride, if the truth be known. I’ve kept the tone of my previous blogs as positive as possible, full of self-compassion and hope for a brighter future. But I’m afraid the title is what it is…… I’m caving in on myself in the sense that all is not so rosy in my garden and my mental health isn’t quite where I would like it to be.
My Facebook feed is full of memes and jokes about people turning to alcohol during these times of uncertainty. Some have posted photos of their shipment arriving, of unboxing their case of 24 reds and hoping it will last them the week. Others are challenging their friends to online drinking games from the comfort of their well-stocked kitchens. One guy did manage to make me laugh when he said he had gotten so pissed the night before that he had no recollection of getting home from the kitchen. If I hadn’t laughed, I would have cried. People are using alcohol as a way of coping with the deprivation of their liberty and they’re laughing and joking about it as though it’s a good thing. And while I’d love to be able to share in their laughter, I find myself growing more anxious and upset by the minute.
Is it because I can’t ‘enjoy’ a glass or two like everybody else that I am feeling like this? Or is it a genuine concern that the pernicious toxin that is alcohol might just take some more victims during this crisis? Instead of turning to mind-altering substances, I am sitting with my fears and not always managing them very well. It’s weird how I know that yoga and meditation will really help, yet I have been feeling frozen in time. And this is where that sense of ‘caving in’ has started to overshadow everything lately. The dictionary defines ‘to cave in’ as to collapse, to faint, to submit, to concede or to give in to something. Fear not, I am doing none of these! There is one other definition which is ‘to surrender’ and this really is where I’m at today. All the stuff about alcohol has got to me and made me dig even deeper into its influence on my life and why I had to concede that it was a problem.
This morning I listened to a meaningful interview with the great Australian Labour historian, academic and author, Ross Fitzgerald, after the recent launch of his memoir, Fifty Years Sober. He praises the support he got and continues to get from Alcoholics Anonymous and gave me some insight that I hadn’t considered before. I hadn’t ever felt I needed AA. Probably because I never wanted to have to say the words ‘My name is Gill and I am an alcoholic’ because, let’s face it, I’ve never been a day drinker, I’ve never ended up in hospital because of my drinking, my marriage is still in-tact and I still have custody of my children. So, calling myself an alcoholic felt as though I’d be admitting to being a complete and utter failure in life. For the past 11 months I have talked about having been an abuser of alcohol, a problem-drinker, someone who was too fond of the booze etc. I never actually uttered these word ‘I am an alcoholic’… until now. I have had people I know come up to me in the street, having read my first blog ‘Coming Out’, and utter the words ‘OMG I never would have guessed you were an alcoholic’. My reaction was always one of ‘well, there is a whole spectrum isn’t there.’ But here I am, caving in and finally surrendering to the truth, that I am an alcoholic. And you know what? It hurts, knowing that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I now need to accept the notion that it is an irreversible condition and I need to live with that. After dedicating the last 11 months to remaining sober, I am now struggling to figure out who I am without alcohol. I am definitely different and that is both good and bad. I am determined to continue to grow and develop as a person and for this reason I believe the time has come to embrace the support of AA.
The reason AA attendance is so important in recovery and long-term abstinence is its role in keeping its members real. It makes people accountable and ensures that they never forget what they used to be like, what happened to them and what they’re like now. It is pretty amazing to think that at any one AA meeting, you could have a high court judge, a truck driver, a stay-at-home mum, a police officer, a prostitute or a priest sitting in a circle together, all bound together by the shared pain of alcoholism. If it’s good enough for someone like Ross Fitzgerald, then it’s good enough for me. Much of what Fitzgerald said resonated with me, especially that drinking held down the pain of being himself hence the reason he kept drinking after first trying it at the age of 14. So many of us struggle to come to terms with who we are and the burdens we carry in life.
What I have absolutely no intention of doing is caving in in the sense of giving into drinking, giving it back the power it had over me. This is because I know that while it would be nice to ‘escape’ from reality right now, I will not find that escape at the end of a glass. The only thing that lives at the end of a glass for me is desperation. The only way for me to feel at one with everything and able to cope with reality is to have a clear head. One of the brilliant things to emerge from this social distancing is that I am spending more time with my kids and husband and because we are all clear-headed, we are able to communicate with one another in a more mindful way that is proving to be kinder and more tolerant.
I want to share this useful questionnaire called the Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (AUDIT) that will help you understand your own drinking as long as you are honest. Each answer carries a value, add them all up to find your score.
1. How often do you have a drink containing alcohol?
(0) Never
(1) Monthly or less
(2) 2 to 4 times a month
(3) 2 to 3 times a week
(4) 4 or more times a week
2. How many drinks containing alcohol do you have on a typical day when you are drinking?
(0) 1 or 2
(1) 3 or 4
(2) 5 or 6
(3) 7, 8, or 9
(4) 10 or more
3. How often do you have six or more drinks on one occasion?
(0) Never
(1) Less than monthly
(2) Monthly
(3) Weekly
(4) Daily or almost daily
Note: If your total for questions 2 and 3 add up to zero, skip to questions 9 and 10.
4. How often during the last year have you found that you were not able to stop drinking once you had started?
(0) Never
(1) Less than monthly
(2) Monthly
(3) Weekly
(4) Daily or almost daily
5. How often during the last year have you failed to do what was normally expected from you because of drinking?
(0) Never
(1) Less than monthly
(2) Monthly
(3) Weekly
(4) Daily or almost daily
6. How often during the last year have you needed a first drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session?
(0) Never
(1) Less than monthly
(2) Monthly
(3) Weekly
(4) Daily or almost daily
7. How often during the last year have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after drinking?
(0) Never
(1) Less than monthly
(2) Monthly
(3) Weekly
(4) Daily or almost daily
8. How often during the last year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking?
(0) Never
(1) Less than monthly
(2) Monthly
(3) Weekly
(4) Daily or almost daily
9. Have you or someone else been injured as a result of your drinking?
(0) No
(2) Yes, but not in the last year
(4) Yes, during the last year
10. Has a relative or friend or a doctor or another health worker been concerned about your drinking or suggested you cut down?
(0) No
(2) Yes, but not in the last year
(4) Yes, during the last year
What your score means
A score of eight or above indicates risk for hazardous and harmful drinking—and the higher the score, the greater the potential danger. It’s important to remember, though, that a single number can’t tell the whole story. A person’s gender, age, weight, and metabolism all play a role in how well the body handles alcohol. Cultural norms surrounding drinking must be considered as well. Even so, the AUDIT scale has been used worldwide to study and treat alcohol use disorders, and it is correct far more often than not.
Recognising those limitations, AUDIT recommends these guidelines:
- Those who score 8-15 should be considered as having a medium level of alcohol problems. In a clinical setting, a simple intervention offering advice about reducing hazardous drinking would be appropriate.
- Those who score 16-19 have a high level of alcohol problems. They would benefit from counselling and continued monitoring.
- Those who score 20 and above should not delay in getting a complete diagnositic evaluation from a specialist who can recommend treatment for possible alcohol dependence.
If you know of anyone who might benefit from my experience or might need to check their drinking, please share this with them. My aim is to help raise awareness of the dangers of drinking to excess and hopefully help people to mimimise the harm caused.
In an attempt to minimise the harm to myself, I am pledging to spend less time looking at other people’s lives on Facebook and instead, will do some yoga and meditation and find an online AA meeting. Thanks for taking the time to be with me today.
